Oh, hi! Why yes, I'm still alive.

So, it's been a while. A long while. A lot has happened. A LOT. Throughout my life I've tried on and off to keep a journal. I've had spurts where I was super good at it. I have a tote in my basement that is full of old journals. I'm terrified to open them because I know that A. I went through some pretty dark times that I'm not sure I can revist right now, and B. I'm sure I was such a dingbat that I'll die of cringe. I don't know if I even want anyone to read all of that after I die, but hey, I'll be dead at that point and whoever finds the journals can decide if they're bored to tears and want to throw it all away, or if they suddenly discover a kindred spirit of emotional wackiness.

My husband is amazing at journaling. For the past couple of years he has written EVERY DAY. He has learned a lot about the previously unnoticed cycles we go through. Often he'll tell me weird things like that we have bought the season's first watermelon on the exact same day for two years in a row. Weird, cool stuff like that. He doesn't tell me some of the more personal stuff that he may or may not want anyone to read after he dies. But it seems like an amazing outlet, and I keep thinking I want to try to get into a journaling habit again.

Right now I feel like I'm in journaling bankruptcy. Do I try to backtrack and write a bunch of really big stuff that happened, or just start from where I'm at and try to pick up some updates here and there when it seems relevant to give some context?

That's how I feel right now with this blog. While not the same type of personal tell-all, I do feel like you, my readers, the ten or so of you who might be left, deserve at least a bird's eye view of an update. So let me fire it off, and then I'll try to make my next blog post sooner than a few years from today. No promises, but I'm REALLY GOING TO TRY this time.

Okay, deep breath, here are a few things that have happened since I last wrote here. BOTH OF MY PARENTS DIED. Like, within a couple months of each other. My mom, we were mostly expecting. It was and is still devastating. My dad, TOTAL SHOCK. And devastating. I probably talked to my mom two or three times a week on a normal week. My dad, I called him faithfully every Sunday. Boy, has it been hard to not be able to talk to them anymore. So hard that I've decided to just do it anyway. I have some long-ish drives sometimes where I'm in the car alone and I often just start talking to my mom, dad or sister. I'm not sure what they have going on. When I picture my dad, he is sitting at a kitchen table that's a replica of the kitchen in his childhood home in Afton, Wyoming. I feel like that place is what heaven is in his mind. I see my grandma bringing him a homemade piece of bread with freezer jam made from the raspberries in his backyard. He is looking out at the mountain in the distance. He is in a state of peace that he didn't know in his lifetime. I apologize for pulling him away to talk for a minute.

When I picture my mom and my sister, they're together. Strangely, they're painting pictures by the ocean. They are usually laughing. Neither of them are in pain anymore. They're energetic and young and beautiful. They can run while the salty air moves through their hair. I apologize for taking them away from their art creations or heavenly art classes. and when I'm done talking with my mom, especially, I tell her she can go back to her painting.

I've been told that when you die, you enter a place of complete rest from every care of the world. Sometimes I wonder if that means my family isn't allowed to know what is going on in my life right now. There are some things that are hard. I know my mom especially would be pretty stressed for me. Maybe they are guardian angels for other people who don't stress them out so badly. Or, maybe time isn't a thing anymore and they have a lot of care and love for me but can see that it all works out. So maybe they aren't sociopaths who don't care about me anymore but they can see a bigger picture than I can? Who knows. I think about it more than I should. Wow, that was a big tangent. Anyway that's a big thing that happened.

My kids are getting bigger and they're amazing. All I am going to say is that motherhood is no joke and I'm laughing at myself when I imagined when they were babies that it would somehow be easier when they got big. But I also feel ridiculously lucky that these are the exact kids I got. Joe and I are still together and happy. I'm lucky to live with my very favorite people in the world.

One more crazy update; I'm currently working on a masters degree in Social Work! If you would have asked me even three years ago if I would ever do this I would have thought you were insane. Having your parents die does weird things to your brain, it seems. It would take too long and be too personal to map out how this development is slightly connected to all of that. But I've been absolutely loving being a student again. And the topic seems like something I was made for. I hope to eventually be a therapist, most likely specializing in grief counseling and hospice related social work. I'm currently a hospice volunteer which has been a true joy.

I promise you, you just never know what life holds in store. It dawned on me early on in this process of applying for this masters program, when I thought I was crazy to do it at my age, that my mother was close to my age when she went back to school for her masters degree. There's a shelf in my living room with photos of our family members who have recently passed. My sister and my dad and Joe's mom (! this was another shocker, very recent. 2025 really played the hits,) and of course a picture of my mom, too. I chose a photo of my mom in a graduation cap and gown. I look at her sometimes when I'm in that room. I imagine her telling me I can do this. I'm kind of sad that neither of my parents will be alive to see me graduate. I hope they'll see it somehow from where they are. Maybe, if they are shielded from any stresses of their kids, maybe one day they'll get a fun announcement and be pleasantly shocked that I didn't turn out to be our family's academic underachiever after all, haha.

Wow, this turned out to be long and full of tangents. I don't have my usual grand message this time. Just a note that I still live and breathe. Thanks for reading.

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